Potato And Po-tah-toh

Potato and po-tah-to: the ideal difference when it comes to marriage and money.

Did you know that every hour, a woman dies in India due to dowry? NRCB shows around 20 women die everyday in dowry - related issues.

There is a common misconception in India that dowry and alimony are two peas in a pod when they are in fact, peas of different pods.

Generally, dowry refers to money, gifts or goods that are given as a token of love from the bride’s side of the family to her in-law’s’ family. And this custom has been deeply rooted in a male dominated society such as ours.  More than considering the dowry as a symbol of love, it has been changed to a mandatory act before marriage.

The idea of dowry is the sole reason that women are allowed to exist in a patriarchal society. A woman’s worth being judged by few thousands and four wheels tells a lot about our society. The practice of dowry puts a woman in emotional distress when she has been raised with a common statement “the more spurned you are from the market, the more it takes to get you married-off”. It is preposterous that an essential act of survival means selling her off the in a market. The emotional distress caused, forces them to spend their entire lives within the four walls and hold their tongues.

Whereas alimony is a financial support given by a spouse by court order usually after a divorce. It can either be money or property. It is pitiable when a woman is frowned upon for asking for alimony when the entire groom’s family is condoned by the society.

The main objective of this blog is to demystify dowry and alimony and show they are not “potato and po-tah-to”.

In the case of dowry, it has become a social evil that is widespread irrespective of the religion and the caste and the nationality. Isn’t it ridiculous that the Dowry prohibition act was implemented in 1961, and it has been more than half a century and the custom is still not dead. And it is heartrending to see men accuse women of getting alimony and spew nonsense that alimony and dowry are two peas in a pod. I don't get how dowry and alimony can mean the same when it's somebody’s flesh and bones that you are feeding on. Honestly, both are a disgrace to modern society and it not only makes the woman reliant but also the man character-less. Though on  different levels. The emotional distress caused by a dowry and by alimony are definitely not the same.

A recently tragic and gut-wrenching dowry death case occurred in Noida, August 2025. Nikki Bhati, a 27 year old woman was set ablaze by her husband due to dowry related issues, desire to work and be active on social media. Though it's the twenty-first century and you can see women fighting for their right to wear and do what they want, they seem to lack awareness about the dowry catastrophes that still persist.

It is important to know the ideal difference between dowry and alimony.

Firstly, the dowry custom traces back to ~1500-500 BCE. Traditionally, it is given by the bride’s family out of obligation and is demanded by the groom’s family. In contrast, alimony has always been a legally mandated provision. However, it is neither demanded nor dictated arbitrarily; it is granted after careful consideration.

Dowry is usually given before the marriage irrespective of the wealth and the possessions held by the bride’s family. Sometimes, demands are made even before the marriage discussions begin. It is absurd to demand a hefty sum when you yourself are not well acquainted with the family. Alimony, on the other hand, is given after marriage with mutual consent. In many jurisdictions it is mandatory to stay for at least 5-10 years in a marriage to claim alimony. The divorce rate in India is often cited at approximately 1%, and nearly half of these cases are still pending in courts.

While many men acknowledge that dowry is wrong, they often accept it when framed as “gifts” such as gold, houses, or cars, arguing that these ultimately benefit the woman. However, in reality, such offerings are less about generosity and more about assurance that guarantees a woman's so-called safety. Over time, when families face financial strain, these very assets often find their way to pawn brokers, revealing how fragile this supposed security truly is. Whereas, alimony is explicitly designed to provide financial security to the dependent spouse.

One of the key distinctions lies in financial responsibility. Dowry is expected regardless of groom's financial status or contribution to the family. Alimony, however, is the court's order to the spouse to provide only after considering his/her financial status, it is mandatory for the other to contribute in the marriage either financially, emotionally, or physically.

Above all, alimony is given by either of the spouses and not just the husband. If the wife is found to earn more, then she is required to provide alimony as well. Legally, the one claiming alimony should be financially dependent, whereas, dowry is a social custom and not a legal obligation.

Women who were financially independent and emotionally resilient, seeking alimony after a marriage that has fallen apart are very different from a working, independent yet - to - be husbands demanding dowry. It's high time we as a society normalize men to become financially stable before getting a wife and starting a family.

To conclude, I’d like to lay bare that dowry and alimony are not just “potato and po-tah-to”. Marriage is a very sacred and essential act that has to be built on love and trust, not on money. Either of the spouses demanding money or any sort of possession should feel remorseful.

Written By Sri Sankari

Edited By Zainab Imtiaz